How to strengthen relations at different stages of marriage
At first, when the union only develops, admiration and anxiety overwhelm us. We put a lot of effort into an even fragile relationship. But the feeling of stability and security barely arises, we cease to spend energy on the development of these relations. How to maintain a lively interest in the partner two, five, 10 years after the meeting?
“We forget to ask ourselves the question of what our partner thinks or feels, implying that we already know it,” says Jaanne Dannerup, psychologist-consultant from Johannesburg University. -This leads to the fact that after some time the partner ceases to feel that he is interesting to us “. But in fact, regardless of how much time you are together, you can always do something to strengthen your connection. This is what you should pay attention to at a particular stage.
2 years: bold conversation time
At this point, the initial thrill has long been behind. The issue of commitment to our relationship comes to the fore. “This is an ideal time to figure out whether the dreams and plans that you discussed at the beginning remain in force and say important topics that have not yet been risen,” says Jeanne Dannerup.
Task: Open again
When the relationship is only born, we remove some of our protection to get closer to the partner. But as the experience of communicating with a partner teaches us to be more restrained, these defenses are gradually restored. Our initial attraction is based on the fact that we have in common, whether it is a sense of humor or fascination with culinary. Then we find that the partner is somewhat strikingly different from us, and this discovery can shock us.
Nevertheless, it is these differences that are fuel for sexual attraction. If you persistently avoid conflict, you stop feeling where you end and where your partner begins. And this can reduce the attraction – to enjoy sex, you need to feel the “differentness” of the partner.
The whole secret is that there are no secrets between you. Jeanne Dunerup uses the term “painful emotional honesty”, describing how important it is to talk about his feelings and thoughts in order to avoid emotional disunity. It is worth encouraging a partner to spend time with friends. “At the first stage of the relationship, the couple seeks to hide in their“ nest ”. But after the “2 years” mark, they should let each other into the outside world, to friends. This is a valuable gift, indicating that you respect the interests of another “. Buy tickets for a match or concert where he can go with friends. Let him communicate with them without feeling guilty. And in this way you signal him that you are not afraid of his social contacts, in which they themselves are not included.
5 years: time to expand your communication repertoire
You strengthened your obligations in relation to each other, you have formed common interests, a common circle of friends has developed, and, most likely, you have established relations with your new relatives.
Task: use different languages of love
In the book “Five Language Languages”, Family Consultant Dr. Gary Chapman describes different languages that we use to give and get love 1 . Most of us habitually use one or two such languages, instinctively neglecting others. If you start using the entire palette, he will feel that they are more expensive than ever before. Capen believes that the language we preferred over time may change. For example, you may notice that you are less concerned about touch and, conversely, more touched manifestations of care.
If we do not alternate these languages, then we risk not falling into resonance with our partner. Try to change the language of love during the week every day and see which one makes the most response to the partner to find out what he expects from you.
- Words. Signine your feelings in SMSS, notes, compliments.
- Touch. Hug it, take it by the hand, offer to do legs massage. Remember that touch does not necessarily have an erotic subtext, this is also an expression of tenderness.
- Present. Buy tickets for a concert of his favorite group, prepare a dish that he loved in childhood … It all depends on your imagination.
- Time. Devote to him the whole evening. Let him feel that your attention belongs
to him. And let you not distract you mobile calls or TV.
- Help. This is a concern expressed in action. Think about how you could make his life easier or do something pleasant.
10 years: acceptance time
Until now, something new has happened in your family life all the time. You settled together, went on a joint trip, played a wedding, became parents … all this happened for the first time. Now your life is already more stable, and, most likely, ahead of you will have much fewer such rotary moments. Because of this, feelings sometimes dull. But in fact, this period can further strengthen your relationship when you enjoy what you built together, the traditions that you created together.
Task: support your traditions
It is the customs and rules, no matter how prosaic they are, distinguish you from other married couples. As unique as a fingerprint, they create a precious feeling of the continuity of your common life.
Whether it is an annual ritual (for example, declaring a Christmas tree together, laying the children to sleep) or daily (run together in the morning), it allows you to feel safe and desired, and also belonging to another. Discuss these traditions – how they arose and why you adhere to them is a good way to support each other, show how you are roads.
Jeanne Danner also offers to celebrate any milestones on your way. Even, for example, such as a week spent without children. At this moment, you can think about your plans together, come up with some ideas for the future, not forgetting about your dreams. It is very important to reward yourself for the efforts that you have made for your family during these 10 years.
15 years: Dreaming time
Probably at this point your career has already developed. Children now do not depend on you, and you can devote more time to each other than before. It is very useful to remember what you were before you decided to be together, to note the merits of everyone.
Task: Again revive your hopes and dreams
Our passionate desires can tell a lot about us, about who we became and who we wanted to be. Most likely, life did not work out quite as we imagined ourselves once. But this does not mean at all that now you need to cross out the previous dreams.
According to Dannerup, ideally, in marital relations, everyone acts as a witness to his partner’s life trip. “You are the cover of a book that fastens together the sheets on which the history of his life is recorded. The first chapters are devoted to his family, some part of friends, but you can share the whole story with him, if you are ready to listen. This is your privilege and responsibility to help the partner feel his story as something whole. To do this, you need to help him remain himself and not forget about his dreams. “.
We all have dreams that we put down in a long box for one reason or another, maybe due to adverse circumstances, maybe due to a lack of time. Helping a partner to revive his forgotten dreams, we simultaneously give a new breath to our relationship. What he strove for, what he had longed? What it was – work, hobby, lifestyle?
Perhaps his plans were grandiose-for example, to become a rock star. And of course, now he is unlikely to have a chance to become the fifth in the U2 group. Help him rethink, reformulate this dream. How to throw a bridge to it? Maybe he should take the lessons of the game on the guitar? Think, offer, show him that a dream can be realized at different levels.
Or maybe your partner was not going to reach the stars with his hand and could not realize his dream simply because he was not ready/he did not have enough time/money. In this case, think about what you can do as a couple to fulfill this dream.